I battled anxiety and periods of depression since I was 13, you know that, and at the end of my sophomore year of college, I felt myself begin to slip again. The joy that I found in you was replaced with pressure, fear, and apprehension. I put an outrageous amount of pressure on myself to be perfect, I feared failing or not being good enough, and I prepared myself for the consequences of what would happen if I did. I would feel the weight of these misconstrued perceptions every day, I could not escape them. These anxieties affected my daily life outside of practices and competition with you, they affected my family deeply, and my friends too. Too often I would ask myself, “why am I putting myself through this?” or “is this even worth it?”. But it was worth it. It was totally and completely worth it.

After you and I spent some time in therapy, we came away with learning a few things. First, there is strength in truth and honesty. There is power in acceptance. Acknowledging that I was struggling allowed me to get the help I needed to grow and redefine our relationship.

Second, I’ve come to realize that it’s a pretty cool thing that I got to spend four years deeply committed to you. I had the opportunity to become the best at my craft, compete at a high-level, and push to perfect my skills down to the finest detail. I found best friends in my teammates, won championships and helped set the standard for my program’s future. I’m sorry that it’s taken me awhile to come back to this understanding with you. There were moments when I had lost touch with these realities and the blessing that is being a student-athlete. Now looking from the outside in, these are the pieces of our relationship that I value most. This is how I will remember our time together.

Finally, I’ve learned to appreciate the fact that you put me in situations to endure hardship and face adversity. You exposed areas of weakness in myself as a person and revealed the parts of me that I need to consciously work on. I’ve learned that even when I’ve been beaten down, even when I feel I am at my breaking point, I can overcome anything. I’ve realized that none of us will roll through our existence untouched by life’s difficulties. I’m grateful you’ve taught me these lessons early on, as they're the ones that I will take with me into the workforce, when raising a family, and apply to any curveball life throws at me.

To everyone reading this: my hope is that some of you resonated with my truth. My hope is that we begin to accept tribulation as natural and normal. My hope is that athletes can become comfortable with talking about our stressors and struggles—because we all have them, it’s an inevitable part of life. And on whatever kind of spectrum we face these struggles, whether big or small, medical or emotional, it’s better to face them straight on than to let them build up as I did. And above all, my hope is that when we face adversity going forward in these next phases of our lives, we’re able to face it with confidence and find the value in the fight.

To field hockey: thank you for sticking with me all these years. For being patient with my frustration and finding ways to shimmer glimpses of silver linings when I needed it most. For teaching me lessons I didn’t know I needed to be taught. The best way I know to repay you is to continue to share our story. We’ll be in touch.